Thousand Thoughts

Hi, it's been a long time from the break. Today I'm in the mood to write all of my feeling which have been buried for a long time. I've finished my study, got my title at 21 years old. 86,62 for the final point and A for the subject. For a thesis, it is not easy. Need struggle and determination. Since the thesis things have done and when I am proud for the results, but there are some who are not. They look easy on the day I was going to trial. No words of encouragement before or afterwards. And of course, I also do not know what they were thinking in their hearts. After all the achievements that I've achieved and I gave to them, I still concoct what is missing from all of this. I never want to disappoint them, but to be honest in my heart, they were disappointed me. 4 years of my study will be tested within 1 hour by four great people and without a request for help when you want to give up, only one thing could save us is opposed to your fear. Beyond the discussion of the thesis, recently I won the fashion competition, called Riau Fashion Icon, they also showed the same expression, not even the satisfaction that radiates in their faces. In case I'm the champion of the competition, I'm not the runner up not even the third. The competition coincided with the day of my thesis and I have to set the time as possible as I can so that I do not get stuck and lost in vain.
There are many things that I have prove to them which is always end up with something very unusual. This is not fair. Although I always look strong even fierce but I also just a kid who need "them". In other words I need their spirit as a family, I need their love, I need their appreciation for what I have done. During this time, I never asked. I always trying to get what I want myself with hard work but that does not mean they forget that I am also their child. I need a break, I need peace, I need a vacation and I need them. I wanted to look happy when I'm not. Graduate, won a competition and also my 3rd years anniversary yesterday passed as usual, nothing special. Not really important and slowly forgotten. What can I feel? the more often I'm faced with something like this, the pain will taste bland. You know, not all the time I'm good in photo, not all the time I'm stronger than the quotes. As long as I'm alive, the pain will continue. I do not know, until the time, perhaps until they settle on something that I do not even know. Sometimes I only need recognition, understanding and love to make my life more brighter than usual, I need them to push my spirit. I do not need their anger, scorn and ridicule if can not made me more better. I'm not a typical person like that, because even if you insult, my reply will be much hurts you. Their satisfaction level is too high for me to reach. And they need to know I'm not going to do the same thing to those who hurt me. God never gives temptation to exceed the limits of his people. And for this time, I'm still work on my best for my next future life.

"I just couldn't understand and I couldn't defend
What we had, what we shared, and I couldn't pretend
When the tears roll down it's like you ain't even notice em
If you had a heart, I was hoping that you would show it some
What the fuck you really telling me, what you telling me
I could tell you lying, get the fuck out, don't yell at me
There's one thing I need to know
So call me, when you're not so busy just thinking of yourself."

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